Tag Archives: God

A Message From God!


Dear People of Earth:

I did not create this ungodly creature.

That must be the work of my other Son, the Fallen Angel…Lucifer or whatever
name he’s going by now.

Anyhow, back to the business at hand. Billions (ya got that?) of years ago when I created this little place called Earth, my instruction manual (I believe you call it the Bible?) had  distinct instructions regarding the punishment you would receive for messing with my creation.

Quite frankly, all this drilling, deforestation, smog, and other assorted poisons are destroying what I’ve created. Not to mention all those wars and bigotry going on. Not nice! And I’m pissed. But I haven’t done anything yet…

Now, I know some of the Fallen Angel’s other creatures, folks like Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann, have been foaming at the mouth lately about me taking retribution in the form of environmental calamities because some nice black man raised the debt limit….

{Side note: Do you idiots have any idea how much it cost me to create the ground you’re walking on? Gazillions! I went over budget so many times I had to sacrifice my other son! Fuck! Spend that money, America! You can’t take it with you!}

Damn…sorry about the rant. Anyhow, no. I didn’t send the earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, and hurricanes down from my lofty perch up here in the clouds just because the Republicans prayed for it as some kind of divine retribution. I mean, seriously…why would I want to listen to those  simpletons?

Hold on. I need a stiff drink. Ok. I feel better now. What was I saying? Oh. Yeah. Retribution…

You want retribution, Palin? Bachmann? Perry? Here ya go!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — A 6.8-magnitude earthquake in the Pacific Ocean prompted a brief tsunami warning early Friday morning for Alaska’s Aleutian Islands.The warning was canceled after only a small wave was recorded in the community of Atka, Alaska.

“In Atka, they had a little bump of a wave, but nothing of any kind of a destructive power. Just a wave,” said Jeremy Zidek, a spokesman for the Alaska Department of Homeland Security.

The earthquake struck at about 2:55 a.m. AKDT, and there were no initial reports of injuries or damage, according to the United States Geological Survey.The tsunami warning was issued for coastal areas of Alaska from Unimak Pass to Amchitka Pass, remote and not heavily populated areas.

There. Done! Now quit blabbering nonsense and help that nice black guy create some jobs for America!

Love,

God Almighty

(But you can call me God)